I Hope You Dance- A Birthday Wish To Lydia, My Mom

Ma, 

I miss you so! I remember going to worship at Bishop TD Jakes Potter’s House in Dallas on September 10, 2017 and the worship encounter was so intense. You know that awesome service where all you can think of is that bomb meal afterwards and that slain in the spirit kind of nap that would follow and that’s exactly what happened. I remember turning over to get my second wind and your photo lit up my phone I was so excited and answered the phone with a giddy “heeeeey Ma” only to be surprised that it was someone else on the line, I immediately knew that something had happened. 

My heart dropped in my belly as the unfamiliar voice asked if I were alone or with someone... "Sweetie my name is Tracey and your mom and I were best friends, (as I hung onto her choice of words) she then utters your mom has passed away".  The screeching sound that escaped from me cutting through the peaceful state of rest within the house I began to wail and for a moment I believed I blacked out.  See the dynamics of our relationship that  Mother -Daughter relationship if you will had more downs than ups and something shifted when my grandmother passed away (just a year prior) and our spirits reached an understanding, as I was open to forgiveness and wanted to established something with you full and hearty. So we began weekly and sometimes daily phone conversations. You would send me cards and you didn’t know that Brandon and I were planning on surprising you at Christmas with a pop up. Only for you to receive the ultimate gift of transitioning from this realm to your final home. 

Ma, 

I hope you dance... a song that played everywhere I turned when you passed away so much so I took it as a sign that it was your way of communicating with me. So I understand now that every low place, the darkest of clouds on the brightest of days I hear you... I hope you dance. 

When I feel so overwhelmed, and the grief of you and grandma and Bran has become unbearable I hear you... I hope you dance. 

Thank you so much for watching over me, for loving me deeper even in death and giving birth to me even then not knowing I would survive... I hope you dance. 

“And when you get the choice to sit it or dance... Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,

Tell me who wants to look back on their years

And wonder where those years have gone...” -Lee Ann Womack 

Wishing You A Heavenly Birthday Ma... You would be 69 years old today... Please continue to watch over me, give everyone a big hug for me... I’m trying to dance 🌷🌷🌷

An Open Letter To The Motherless on Mother's Day

    "To the Motherless on Mother’s Day in whatever capacity that looks like, know that you are loved if its by someone that helped to fill the void or if its through others who simply love you just the way you are." - Ann-Nakia M. Green 

    I entered into the world a gift produced by your womb. It was foretold that even then I would have to fight for my survival as the sac that held me safely had broken days prior and you didn’t know. Air no longer flowing through my lungs when I was delivered but God! I had a praying family, and an Aunt that believed Gods will would be done. A grandmother who would war with angels if needed and Godparents who wouldn’t give up. You held your breathe until I released mine and the sound of my initial cry filled that space. I had survived the 1st test of many as your daughter which you named Ann-Nakia Michelle Green. You wanted to honor your Mom, Ann who wanted me to have my own Identity Nakia of which many debate who gave me that name and yet still give honor to a man that helped to procreate me but was never present Michelle. 

    Life has not been a crystal stair... so many battles so many losses yet many victories. From child molestation and rape by your man at that time, to not being able to cope and choosing your drug of choice that consumed your life, trapped your parenting abilities and forced me to turn into a Mom to you my mother and a new gift Brandon my baby brother.  I didn’t know then the anger that began to take space in my heart and what brokenness was but I was soon on my way.  I question God so many times as my only escape was to run to anyones church, often dirty, dingy, hair all over my head yet I did the best I could and many of dumpster dives to find my next meal not just for me but for Brandon as well... I didn’t know that babies couldn’t you know, well never mind. 

    When the ultimate ultimatum, forced freedom opportunity was presented to you ma (as I called you)and you saw the seriousness of Grandma’s plight I believe in my heart of hearts you knew you had no other choice and so the opportunity to be a kid again and be in a safe space to heal had arrived.  This part of my journey was most certainly hard as I had to relive the pain of my initial trauma through intense therapy and so here was another battle I had to face. 

    I share a bit of my testimony to show that Motherhood is not for the faint and sometimes your forced into it by your own actions... however to be a Mother isn’t all glamour, is not all sweet and beautiful but can be trying, vicious and debilitating. 

    I am a product of trauma, I am a representative of forgiveness and understanding that because I forgave does not mean I have to deal with you and if I choose to it is on my terms not conducive to a title. 

    My grandmother Ann Atwater transitioned and took her place as my guardian angel on June 20, 2016 and my mother Lydia Marie Green September 10, 2017.  I then loss my baby brother and only sibling by blood William Brandon Green May 7, 2018.  May for me ushers in a season of hard truths, pain and grief.  Both my mom and Brandon share birthdays in May.  To get to a place to use my passion for writing to share my story in hopes that it creates a space for my own healing and may help you navigate your journey.

    On this Mother's Day just a little over a year since the pandemic where so many mother's are no longer with us I wish to share these sentiments:  

    To the Motherless on Mother’s Day an open letter of transparency, love and truth, I pray and believe in the hearts of those grieving, those who didn’t get to meet their moms, those who did not make a mends or still hold bitterness and anger maybe hatred towards their mom. I love you.

    To the moms that have turned their backs on their children because of who they love or with whom they love, or maybe because of what they’ve done or what they’ve said towards their children or embarrassed by what they as Mothers have done in their past. I love you.

    I urge you to consider your life at this moment, I urge you to consider that of your child’s life, I implore you to survey the time that has passed and if this has in some way moved you to consider taking a step, a real intentional step toward that of your mom or that of your child take it. 

    Understanding that if that is a nonnegotiable for you and the toxicity of that relationship weighs heavier than the attempt you have that right to forgo it. 

    To those whose relationship with their moms are amazing, you still have her, spend time with her and love on her, to the moms that still have their children and likewise, take a moment to lift up a friend or family that does not. Be gentle with them in understanding they may not be able to “remember the good times they had” and that’s ok! It doesn’t take away from the blessings that you have now. 

    To the mommies missing their babies, those who lost their children to the hands of another person, sickness, tragic accident, or gone astray... I love you! 

    Time does not heal all wounds, remembering the good times a lot of times reopens them, and folks who believe that we should be over it by now count yourselves lucky you haven’t yet felt the voids and or pains of their non-physical existence.

    To those who no-longer have their children or mothers, grandmas, aunts, sisters, remember that not everyone’s grief journey is the same and how you deal may not be how someone else can. Hold space, lift them up be kind. 

 Extend yourself some grace! I love you!

    To those who loss their little one through miscarriages and infertility and continue to go on... I love you!

My name is Ann-Nakia Michelle Green...

Daughter of Lydia who was the Daughter of Ann who was the Daughter of Emma Jane. 

Happy Mother’s Day 2021

#MotherlessDaughters

#GrievingMothers

#GrievingChildren

#MothersDay2021

#MyMomAndGrandmaAreMyGuardianAngels

#WorkingThroughTrauma

#Epigenetics 

#IBrokeTheGenerationalCurse

#MyMomAndGrandmaAreMyAncestors 

#GrandmasHands

#AnnAtwater

#LydiaGreen

#BecomingAnnNakia